Back and forth like a kite in the wind.

Okay, so I said something chipper in my last entry. I try and keep a smile on, even when things are so spiralling around me like a vortex of crazy on a field of confusion.

I don't want to be with him.

And yet... he's giving me all this attention that I crave so badly. I hate it that he does this to me. Am I just property to be tossed and pulled around?

I won't go back to him, don't mis-understand me.

But I love him. He's driving me to the end of myself. Are all break ups so impossible? Do they ever work? I thought breaking up with a man would be easy. Just say, "I"m sorry, we're over."

But that has never worked.

I handed husband back his ring more times than I can count. I left it with him. Then he sent out wedding invitations.

Confused? me too.

I wonder if it's just something about me. If I'm just too weak, or too stupid, or not mean enough. I do hate being mean.

But... fifteen e-mail addresses, calling every single day...

I spoke to him on the phone twice, by accident. I was sleeping, I knew my mom was going to call, I just answered without thinking twice. And it's not mom. And I'm sleepy and off guard. So I end up having half a conversation.

It makes me tired.

But the bronchitus is getting better. Sheesh. I can hardly keep up with these entries. Did I mention the bronchitus?

Both the kids had it. Titus was deathly ill for about a week. They said if he went one more hour without drinking something to bring him in and put him on an iv 'cause he was SOOO dehydrated.

He drank a bottle that hour just for fun. I swear both of them like to be on the very very verge of hospitalization. Do they think I won't care for them unless they are on the brink of death? I had to put him on a breathing machine thing five times a day.

Nothing compared to when Penny got sick.

She got bronchitus, which started to turn into pnumonia. Hence the very tired mommy and the total lack of posting. I do think about writing a bunch though.

So just as Titus pulled out into the clear... dum da da DUM!!! Penny is knocked down flat. She needed the air machine thing every hour. Or she'd start wheezing and coughing until she either threw up or turned blue. I lost count of how many times her face turned colors. I couldnt' sleep. I fell asleep for an hour from complete exhaustion and woke up to find purple lips and blue hands. I picked her up and smacked her back and took her in, again. We lived at the pediatricians office that week. She got an ear infection too.... it was beyond ridiculas.

She just stayed sick. They gave her tons of drugs, and she just stayed sick. They chided me for giving her the breathing machine so often. Until they saw her. Then they said, "technically she can have two in a row..."

She scored a 91 on oxygen. That's one point above hospitalization. One point. I wasn't kidding when I said they like to tease me by being on the brink of death.

I don't know what to do with these kids. They exhaust me. No wonder I accidentally answered the phone twice. Particularly 'cause he's been calling once a day, and then that one day he called four times.

Now his e-mails are all about how our relationship is renewing, how it's strengthening now that the lines of communication are opened again.

*sighs*

I am so tired of all this. He wants to see the kids. I don't want to see him. I don't want my heart to hurt more. I dont' want to be lured in by his attention, by his caresses, by his sweet talk. He's not a nice man. He keeps saying that that other woman and that baby are my fault. That I deserved such punishment as that. That I now know what it feels like to be him. *sighs* Such harsh things to say. And so full of lies.

He says he is willing to accept me back. Even though I have hurt him so badly. He even gave up the other woman and the kid for me. That he deserves a chance with me. That now is the perfect time.

It's lies. It sounds sweet, some of it. But it is lies. I am not taking him back, not the other way around. Of course he'd take me back, I'm wonderous!! She left him, not the other way around, so that's just plain silly... Now is the perfect time? Who are we kidding? I barely have a job....

Which by the way... I love my new seamstress job. It's the perfect work for me. the ONLY flaw is that I'm only making 50 a week so far. I need 300 a week in order to move out. Not that I know if I'm going to do that for sure or whatever. But I like to be prepared. And hey, I'm a mathematician, so I've run the numbers....

The rat.

Fading.

I haven't written in here lately.

MANY things have been happening. I'm just all shooken up.

First off, I lost my job. Actually, my mom refused to babysit for me anymore.

This set in motion a series of events. I had to quit my job.

I got a new job as a seamstress apprentice.

Z professed his undying love to me and proclaims that we are in a committed relationship. I tell him he's full of shit.

Somehow I miraculasly read his girlfriends diary.

This informs me of so many things. He's totally playing mind games with me.

So I tell him he can never come back and see the kids.

Never.

He starts stalking me. Ten different e-mail addresses, three phone calls a day. It's exhausting my mind. SHE calls me. His girlfriend. Asking me why I would do this, why won't I let him see the kids? Blah blah blah.

We talk. I become this super human being. I calmly tell her to leave him too. That he's insane.

He starts cutting himself again.

She leaves him.

He starts getting more uncontrolled. More out of control. He's calling me hysterical. Weeping, screaming. I don't answer. I don't know what to do. I'm so freaking out.

He starts saying he's going to wait at my doorstep until I open the door. Fucking everything. I'm totally lost.

My mind and heart ache. I'm doing the right thing. But it's like driving nails through my skull.

So then, I make my other diary private. Somehow he hacks in and writes more comments. I get his other diaries taken away. I kid you not. I got them taken away.

He goes ballistic.

I break down. It's been two weeks of my silence to him. I break down and write him.

He writes me back twice. Now he's deadly silent.

You don't understand. It's torture to me. The bombardment of my heart and mind and soul, the complete invasion of privacy. The constant uncontrolled fear that he might show up on my doorstep as a mad man. The knowledge that I'm distressing him enough to cut himself.

Then the silence.

I don't know what silence means. Am I safe? Is he lurking on every doorstep?

Silence is scary.

Tonight the phone rang. It was her again. She called me up to give her a confidence boost. Apparently my talk about why she should leave him was life altering. But she wanted more from me.

I"m not safe. I'm never safe. He'll stalk me till he dies.

She's safe.

Back, front.

Today was awful.
So let's backtrack.
Friday was lots of driving. A tired cranky toddler. We arrived at... night. It was like midnight.
Then the bed. Lumpy tired old mattress that is ten sizes too small. And no pillow. Just a small bag of rocks.
The bed was the tiniest ever.
It was toooo small. Too small for the baby and me to lay comfortably. T slept in the other room. P cried all night- she doesn't like travelling apparently and decided to voice her protests.
Branding had been done on Friday, so we missed that, thank God.
The food... was scarce. It's wierd. She cooks lots. Like breakfast was eggs and waffles and fruit and juice and toast. But... it's like... a quarter of a banana, one scrambled egg, one waffle, half a piece of toast and a tiny tiny glass of juice. I was HUNGRY. I still eat for TWO! That just teased my appetite like a girl in a thong.
So after breakfast was cow checking. Involving ear piercings and calf catching. I drove the four-wheeler. That is kinda fun, I guess sorta. I mean... no, it's not really that much fun. There are mountains and so the four-wheeler is constantly tipped in wierd ways and I have sucky balance. There is a bat. A BAT. In case the cows attack. And they do. And I scream like a girl. Or bellow like a cow if we talk ranchy...
I didn't hit them with the bat. I just screamed. They yelled, "grab the bat" and I just screamed. It sucked.
I got pooped on.
Anyways, we searched for kittens but did not find them. But T did play with a kitty. He said, "kitty kitty I" and then poked it in the eye. Also he kissed it a bunch and tried to carry it.
We played find the egg. Which took all of ten minutes and that was Easter celebration apparently.
We played UNO and I schooled everyone 'cause I rock.
I watched What About Brian and in front of everyone I was all, "hmmm, an open marraige... sounds like fun really..." and Husband glared fiercely, and I giggled.
Next I took a shower to try and shave the hair on my legs for church in the morning. I did a shoddy job (that means my legs are half covered in hair, the shower wasn't big enough and I couldn't freaking see my legs and my glasses were fogging over... grrrrrr....). I did a shoddy shave job, didn't cut myself, but ended up with nine boils. Nine boils.
Afterwards I, at the bequest of Husband, showed him my knife. A few seconds later he said that I have horrible knife ettiquette and said that he should take it away from me. I laughed, then licked the blade and smiled viciously. He said I looked like I might kill him. I told him to sleep with his eyes opened.
They made me and T and P get up at 6! The next morning, for breakfast at church. T looked so mean. I thought he was gonna try to rip someone in half. He had the meanest face ever. All because I cut up his food.
Next Easter Dinner. Ha ha, I totally won. I ate FOUR platefulls of food. I just kept saying, "ohh, look, we have ham?" And just served more. T woke up and wanted to eat right as the meal was ending, so I ate another plate then, and then P woke up as T finished, so I quickly scarfed a plate so I'd "have enough for her." Everyone stared amazed. I kept thinking, dang it, I WON"T be hungry tonight. I swear. We ran out of food again...
So then later, everyone was like, "oh, we don't really need dinner...we ate a big lunch." Grrr. I didn't eat THAT big of a lunch... So I was hungry. Eventually I was portioned out a biscuit and the last slice of ham...
That's a meal apparently.
So then night. Night was fiercely awful to the tenth power.
P screamed and cried and then cried and screamed. She was freezing. So I wrapped her and fed her until she slept and my breast was about to tear off. Put her back in her bed. She screamed. I finally just laid with her in bed, and then Husband rolled over on her. And I hit him, and he rolled back. And she was okay. Then he tried again a half hour later, so I hit him harder and screamed "stupid bastard!" and I was tired.
So finally I got her to sleep in her bed after HOURS of fighting and coaxing and feeding and cuddling and fending her off from being squished to death. After forty five minutes of real sleep, I heard her screaming. So I opened my eyes.
Knives. In my eye. I felt it. Both eyes. No warning. It's worse then a papercut.
My eyes.
Tearing apart as I open them. I shoved my hands over my mouth to muffle my scream.
My eyes. My stupid freaking eyes. Dehydration from nursing a dumb baby. Lack of sleep to heal them. MY EYES! I feel that top layer pull apart- not terribly bad, it's not like that time I had to go to the hospital, nah, it's just bad enough to make me moan in pain. Um, bellow like a cow in pain.
P is screaming. I'm muffling my tearless cries.
So I pummel husband. Wake up idiot. Wake. Go, tend baby. I's done.
I close my eyes and wish for death. I sleep for another hour before Husband is shaking me awake.
Awaken! Time for food. If you miss breakfast you don't eat!
I growl at him, not that sexy little kitty kat growl that says, "come on baby..." But that fierce angry tiger growl. Snarling angry woman. Leave me alone. My tummy rumbles. I did lotsa feeding. Lots. Fed baby. Baby boob feeder. MUST REPLENISH.So I sit up and I can't really see.
Eyes. Papercut eyes. Imagine that. That little feeling. That slit. That knowing that it's gonna freaking hurt. In your eyes.
My eyes.
I grumble myself to the table. Everyone is dressed. I sit and cover my eyes. Eyes. Eyes.
They make jokes. "Sleepy? Want coffee? I heard you bellow like a cow last night..."
I snarl like a tiger. Demanding eye drops.
They don't exist.
They DO exist. I inform them. They DO exist. MAKE them appear!
They don't exist.
Not till we find a store. A STORE in this God-forsaken ranch. At least an hours drive. Husband says, "pack the car, I"ll be with the cows. See you in an hour."
I give him mean eyes. Mean papercut eyes. Angry mean papercut eyes.
He packs the car and we go to try and preserve my vision. I don't open my eyes for that whole time. But I can feel the sun. I put on sunglasses.
Eyes.
Papercut eyes.
Finally relief.
Thank God.
Less snarly am I. I feed P. I get pooped on. I clean her, change her, clean her seat, clean my clothes, feed her again. She poops on me again. I start to take my top off in the parkinglot. Free peep show. Come while it's fresh. The poop I mean. Husband announces his utter shame at my existance. Stupid tart.
Stupid baby poopy head.
We go to McDonalds. Meat. Food. Hungry.
T wants to play nintendo. I don't know why there is a nintendo. I'm not caring. I let him play until the food comes. P is hungry.
I start to feed her.
Food comes.
T wants to play. He's been in the car for a week. He wants to PLAY!!
Husband picks him up and holds him on his lap and tries to force feed him. T kicks him and bites him and starts screaming. A real tantrum. He's a strong boy I might add. Husband starts screaming that this is my fault. I don't know who to deal with first. Which child do I settle? T somehow escapes and knocks over a small girl. She screams.
I order the bigger tantrum child to collect the smaller one and sit down and start acting like an adult. He immediately tells T he's going to have to sit in the car alone while we eat.
I just about take out my knife and remove vital organs.
Trade babies.
T is perfectally settled down when I stop the pinching and yelling. He eats and I tell him he can play in a minute. P cries. She's not done eating.
I trade back and tell older child to settle himself down and stop being an ass.
P poops all over my clothes.

*sighs*

It's a thong, for boobs.

I"m a nursing mom. That title is inspired by this nursing shirt I have...

Well...

Everyone is talking to me again. I feel tired. Lots of mental work.

I don't know where I'm going but I sure remember where I've been. :)

My mom doesn't read this diary. She just makes assumptions and what not. That's kay by me.

It's Easter. So I'll be going to the cow farm. For Easter. To brand and what not. Sounds scary to me. Really quite.

Z keeps asking me for baby advice. It's... wierd. I feel horribly uncomfortable and angry most of the time we talk about it. But I pretend I"m not, 'cause I don't like confrontation. I know, I should tell him. But I just don't want to. His kid has some sort of problem with his head and has to go get surgery. I'm sure he'll go to that. Of course when Penny had HER tongue clipped he convieniently didn't come 'cause it would have made HIM uncomfortable. But whatever. I'll try not to notice that or something.

I think that maybe he comes here to win me, and only sort of likes her. That's what I think. They are right that kicking him outta our lives now would be easiest for me. And probably easier for the kids. It's a nauseating thought though. "So yeah, you're immature. So I'm taking the kid." I don't know how I ended up in charge of this mess. I have to try and be the adult and I suck at it. I'm a great mom. I'm not so good at all this stuff involving men. I wish I knew what to do.

I'm laundrying and packing and thinking to myself how I"m totally nuts. Have a Happy Easter. "This too shall pass."

Hey, at least I"m not Job, covered in boils with his whole family dead...

Have you spoken truth at all?

In the last three years have you done anything truthful? I can't believe this is the daughter we have raised. You are so foreign to me. I can't believe this is how you choose to live your life.

He's gonna take her you know. If you let him have any visits, if you take his money, then you are dooming her. For life. You are CHOOSING him, his lazy ass, stop in parenting that can only serve to crush her. Not to mention Titus. He's gonna know. I can't believe you've done this. Don't let him visit again. If he wants to take you to court, then make the court deal with it. And don't even THINK about leaving Husband, after all he's done to stick by you. You are such an idiot.

You better warn us before you tell anyone else, Amanda is going to be weeping for weeks over this.

And I can't believe that through all of this you made him HATE me. WHY? What did I ever do to you? Now there is this man I barely know, who based off of what YOU have said about me has decided to hate me. Your WHOLE online life is all about hating me. WHY!?!?! WHAT did I DO TO YOU?

Mom... I just wish you'd settle down and hold your toungue a little. I KNOW you are a nice person. I know you are. I love you. But these are the things that stick out with what you've said to me this week. I know these conversations aren't easy for you. I know I hurt you. And I'm sorry. Please don't feel the need to punish me. Life is punishment enough. *feels tired*

I don't blame you for all of this. But don't deny that you had your hands in this some too. That would simply be foolish. You pushed and pulled at me with the rest of them. BUT I was in charge of containing it all. I know it makes you angry that I call this marraige arranged. But you WANTED it. You pushed me to it when I told you and him and everyone else that I had no business getting married. How ISN"T that arranged? When your parents push THEIR idea of an ideal mate on you.... *sighs again* I am EXHAUSTED. I can't say more then that. I'm so tired. I can't handle all of this. It's so painful. I don't want my heart torn out more and more. My whole life is crumbling. Even though I did the right thing.

*Sighs* It was crumbled before this. I know that just as well as the rest of you. Now I just have to look at it more.

Should I take her away from him? Is that fair? Is that right? Is that best? Best for HER? I want what is best for her. I really do. I just don't want to miss-step again. I can't survive much more of my own failure.

*Exhausted*

My mom is so furious. She keeps saying how I'm just a decietful person. That I just keep hitting her unsuspectedly with a sledgehammer. And she's so ashamed of me.

They want me to just kick Z out of Penny's life. Just like that. Make the decision today, then do it.

Sounds so simple.