Fading.
I haven't written in here lately.
MANY things have been happening. I'm just all shooken up.
First off, I lost my job. Actually, my mom refused to babysit for me anymore.
This set in motion a series of events. I had to quit my job.
I got a new job as a seamstress apprentice.
Z professed his undying love to me and proclaims that we are in a committed relationship. I tell him he's full of shit.
Somehow I miraculasly read his girlfriends diary.
This informs me of so many things. He's totally playing mind games with me.
So I tell him he can never come back and see the kids.
Never.
He starts stalking me. Ten different e-mail addresses, three phone calls a day. It's exhausting my mind. SHE calls me. His girlfriend. Asking me why I would do this, why won't I let him see the kids? Blah blah blah.
We talk. I become this super human being. I calmly tell her to leave him too. That he's insane.
He starts cutting himself again.
She leaves him.
He starts getting more uncontrolled. More out of control. He's calling me hysterical. Weeping, screaming. I don't answer. I don't know what to do. I'm so freaking out.
He starts saying he's going to wait at my doorstep until I open the door. Fucking everything. I'm totally lost.
My mind and heart ache. I'm doing the right thing. But it's like driving nails through my skull.
So then, I make my other diary private. Somehow he hacks in and writes more comments. I get his other diaries taken away. I kid you not. I got them taken away.
He goes ballistic.
I break down. It's been two weeks of my silence to him. I break down and write him.
He writes me back twice. Now he's deadly silent.
You don't understand. It's torture to me. The bombardment of my heart and mind and soul, the complete invasion of privacy. The constant uncontrolled fear that he might show up on my doorstep as a mad man. The knowledge that I'm distressing him enough to cut himself.
Then the silence.
I don't know what silence means. Am I safe? Is he lurking on every doorstep?
Silence is scary.
Tonight the phone rang. It was her again. She called me up to give her a confidence boost. Apparently my talk about why she should leave him was life altering. But she wanted more from me.
I"m not safe. I'm never safe. He'll stalk me till he dies.
She's safe.
MANY things have been happening. I'm just all shooken up.
First off, I lost my job. Actually, my mom refused to babysit for me anymore.
This set in motion a series of events. I had to quit my job.
I got a new job as a seamstress apprentice.
Z professed his undying love to me and proclaims that we are in a committed relationship. I tell him he's full of shit.
Somehow I miraculasly read his girlfriends diary.
This informs me of so many things. He's totally playing mind games with me.
So I tell him he can never come back and see the kids.
Never.
He starts stalking me. Ten different e-mail addresses, three phone calls a day. It's exhausting my mind. SHE calls me. His girlfriend. Asking me why I would do this, why won't I let him see the kids? Blah blah blah.
We talk. I become this super human being. I calmly tell her to leave him too. That he's insane.
He starts cutting himself again.
She leaves him.
He starts getting more uncontrolled. More out of control. He's calling me hysterical. Weeping, screaming. I don't answer. I don't know what to do. I'm so freaking out.
He starts saying he's going to wait at my doorstep until I open the door. Fucking everything. I'm totally lost.
My mind and heart ache. I'm doing the right thing. But it's like driving nails through my skull.
So then, I make my other diary private. Somehow he hacks in and writes more comments. I get his other diaries taken away. I kid you not. I got them taken away.
He goes ballistic.
I break down. It's been two weeks of my silence to him. I break down and write him.
He writes me back twice. Now he's deadly silent.
You don't understand. It's torture to me. The bombardment of my heart and mind and soul, the complete invasion of privacy. The constant uncontrolled fear that he might show up on my doorstep as a mad man. The knowledge that I'm distressing him enough to cut himself.
Then the silence.
I don't know what silence means. Am I safe? Is he lurking on every doorstep?
Silence is scary.
Tonight the phone rang. It was her again. She called me up to give her a confidence boost. Apparently my talk about why she should leave him was life altering. But she wanted more from me.
I"m not safe. I'm never safe. He'll stalk me till he dies.
She's safe.
posted by Miss Nibbles at 11:27 PM
4 Comments:
Miss Nibbles, I am so glad you wrote again. I was worried about you and what was happening. It sounds like you are in an incredibly difficult situtation.
If you feel like you are in danger from Z, you could get a Temporary Protection Order. I could send you more information on that if you need it. Basically, how it works is that you get one put in place by a Judge during a single hearing. It could order Z to stay away from your home and to not contact you by any means. Then, you keep a copy of it on you at all times. If Z breaks the TPO, you call the cops on him, and the police have to take action. That way Z should get the message that you are serious and you do not want him contacting you.
About the cutting. Please do not think for one minute that YOU are causing him to cut himself. You are NOT the reason he is unstable enough to do that. It also may be that he's trying to manipulate you by cutting himself and trying to make you feel bad. He sounds very unhealthy, but that is NOT your fault.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.
I'm glad you wrote again, too. I think Buttercup's advice sounds right on.
Wow. i've been checking you every day. Sounds like you've been going through hell. You gotta keep reminding yourself that he is sick. Nothing he does is your fault. He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions. Sounds like he needs some serious psychiatric assistance. Has he ever been checked into a hospital psych ward? Why not? His not writing now is part of the sick torture game, you see. He is smart (He might be crazy but he ain't stupid!). He knows that after you've broken down and written, you'd be waiting to see what effect that had. He's continuing his torture by turning the "silent treatment" on you so that you have no idea what his next step is and in which shadow he may be lurking.
This may sound extreme to you, but nothing is extreme when dealing with someone that is clearly mentally and emotionally unstable. Nothing is beyond him. He could crack at any moment and put you and your babies in danger. You MUST get an order of protection so that you can act quickly if he does come anywhere near you or tries to contact you.
Also, it doesn't sound like you're getting any support from your family. You've got to find somebody to support you. Someone who can talk you out of doing something stupid on instinct or something. We're here, but that may not be enough. Try to find out from national associations for mental health or domestic issues if there are any free support groups or services that you could benefit from. I know things must be tight now with the new job, but there's got to be some social service out there to help you. Dammit! We pay taxes for something, don't we?
Hang in there, baby.
It sounds as though my sis, ayelet, and Tracy are here for you and gave some good advice that I would recommend to follow through so you and your babies are safe. No one should have to be tormented, and treated the way you are being treatd right now, you should always be safe and feel safe. Don't fall into the game of "break-down-silence-calmness-breakdown with rage-etc." Unfortunately it sounds like the situation is only going to escalate unless you take action to protect yourself and babies. Please take action and I...WE all hope you are safe and hear from you soon. Take care of yourself.
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