Back and forth like a kite in the wind.

Okay, so I said something chipper in my last entry. I try and keep a smile on, even when things are so spiralling around me like a vortex of crazy on a field of confusion.

I don't want to be with him.

And yet... he's giving me all this attention that I crave so badly. I hate it that he does this to me. Am I just property to be tossed and pulled around?

I won't go back to him, don't mis-understand me.

But I love him. He's driving me to the end of myself. Are all break ups so impossible? Do they ever work? I thought breaking up with a man would be easy. Just say, "I"m sorry, we're over."

But that has never worked.

I handed husband back his ring more times than I can count. I left it with him. Then he sent out wedding invitations.

Confused? me too.

I wonder if it's just something about me. If I'm just too weak, or too stupid, or not mean enough. I do hate being mean.

But... fifteen e-mail addresses, calling every single day...

I spoke to him on the phone twice, by accident. I was sleeping, I knew my mom was going to call, I just answered without thinking twice. And it's not mom. And I'm sleepy and off guard. So I end up having half a conversation.

It makes me tired.

But the bronchitus is getting better. Sheesh. I can hardly keep up with these entries. Did I mention the bronchitus?

Both the kids had it. Titus was deathly ill for about a week. They said if he went one more hour without drinking something to bring him in and put him on an iv 'cause he was SOOO dehydrated.

He drank a bottle that hour just for fun. I swear both of them like to be on the very very verge of hospitalization. Do they think I won't care for them unless they are on the brink of death? I had to put him on a breathing machine thing five times a day.

Nothing compared to when Penny got sick.

She got bronchitus, which started to turn into pnumonia. Hence the very tired mommy and the total lack of posting. I do think about writing a bunch though.

So just as Titus pulled out into the clear... dum da da DUM!!! Penny is knocked down flat. She needed the air machine thing every hour. Or she'd start wheezing and coughing until she either threw up or turned blue. I lost count of how many times her face turned colors. I couldnt' sleep. I fell asleep for an hour from complete exhaustion and woke up to find purple lips and blue hands. I picked her up and smacked her back and took her in, again. We lived at the pediatricians office that week. She got an ear infection too.... it was beyond ridiculas.

She just stayed sick. They gave her tons of drugs, and she just stayed sick. They chided me for giving her the breathing machine so often. Until they saw her. Then they said, "technically she can have two in a row..."

She scored a 91 on oxygen. That's one point above hospitalization. One point. I wasn't kidding when I said they like to tease me by being on the brink of death.

I don't know what to do with these kids. They exhaust me. No wonder I accidentally answered the phone twice. Particularly 'cause he's been calling once a day, and then that one day he called four times.

Now his e-mails are all about how our relationship is renewing, how it's strengthening now that the lines of communication are opened again.

*sighs*

I am so tired of all this. He wants to see the kids. I don't want to see him. I don't want my heart to hurt more. I dont' want to be lured in by his attention, by his caresses, by his sweet talk. He's not a nice man. He keeps saying that that other woman and that baby are my fault. That I deserved such punishment as that. That I now know what it feels like to be him. *sighs* Such harsh things to say. And so full of lies.

He says he is willing to accept me back. Even though I have hurt him so badly. He even gave up the other woman and the kid for me. That he deserves a chance with me. That now is the perfect time.

It's lies. It sounds sweet, some of it. But it is lies. I am not taking him back, not the other way around. Of course he'd take me back, I'm wonderous!! She left him, not the other way around, so that's just plain silly... Now is the perfect time? Who are we kidding? I barely have a job....

Which by the way... I love my new seamstress job. It's the perfect work for me. the ONLY flaw is that I'm only making 50 a week so far. I need 300 a week in order to move out. Not that I know if I'm going to do that for sure or whatever. But I like to be prepared. And hey, I'm a mathematician, so I've run the numbers....